Anniversary

Today is very near a bad anniversary for me. I wanted to share about it tonight because I want to always remember how far I have come, even if it’s just a little bit. Someone close to me at the time made some really bad choices that landed them in a heap of trouble. Worse, my kids were there. Thankfully no one was hurt and the kids were unaware of what was really happening.

I went over the details of those days again and again. So many “What Ifs” came to mind. I was feeling like I was a horrible mother because I allowed my kids to be with this person that day. I felt a lot of shame, I was angry at myself, and I felt worthlessness. But looking back today I have a different perspective. Someone was watching out for us, keeping us all safe. I also needed to accept the reality of my life.

I realized I had choices.

My life was unmanageable. Once I accepted that—slowly, very slowly my life began to change. I made different decisions. I took time to think, not react. I adopted catch phrases to help me slow down like, “You might be right,” during an argument. I began letting go and detaching from this person. I also began living my own life.

Today things are very different. I am learning how to take care of myself. I have no control over anyone but myself. I am learning I can support my kids but I don’t have control over their pain.
It’s better, but not perfect. I think they call that progress.

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