Pain is one of the things that truly brings me to my lowest point. It is a nasty bitch that tears away my strength, my self-worth, my confidence, and my motivation.

I have been in pain for months now. I can’t tell if it’s getting worse or if my resolve has worn down so much—I have no defenses left. Either way, I have hit a very low point.

It’s my knees. We aren’t sure if it’s due to Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). Could be that RA damaged the joints which led to early onset osteoarthritis. So my Rheumatologist (Dr. P) took xrays—about 3 weeks ago. Xrays are all digital now and can be looked at and emailed back to the doctor within the same day. And yet, it’s been 3 weeks.
We knew xrays were necessary because insurance won’t pay for an MRI without xray first. MRI’s are a much better way to see what is happening to the soft tissue.
I’ve been hounding my Rheummy for xray results and my MRI appointment. They didn’t call back until the other day. They haven’t even put in the request to the insurance company—which could take days—to give me a MRI appointment, and they will only do 1 knee. Once the MRI is done who knows how long this Rheummy will wait to give them results. I am furious.

In the meantime they cannot give me anything for pain. All non-steroid-anti-inflammatories (NSAIDs like ibuprofen) kill my ulcer—which was caused by too many NSAIDs. The irony. Narcotics can at least help a little. But apparently doctors now don’t prescribe narcotics for this situation. Even my primary doctor.

I went to my primary doc (Dr. S) today and told him everything. He cannot give me anything for the pain. But he did give me a second opinion rheummy if I wanted it. They might agree 100% with the course of action I’m already using, or maybe they won’t.

Only thing I can try is prednisone, which hasn’t worked in the past. And it gives me severe oral thrush. So severe I am unable to talk, eat or drink for weeks. No exaggeration. So when Dr. P suggested prednisone, I told him he’d better prescribe an anti-fungal at the same time. The anti-fungal can help prevent a thrush outbreak. He said he hasn’t written me a script for that before. I told him he was right. It was my primary Dr. S that did it before. So Dr. P told me to get the anti-fungal from him. SERIOUSLY!? WTF?

I’ve been complaining of knee pain for MONTHS. Now it’s becoming really distracting. I have Vicodin from an old injury that isn’t expired but it’s pretty strong. I can cut it in half but I still wouldn’t want to be alone with the kids on it or drive with it.

I’m sitting at my computer, trying to concentrate on work. The prednisone has revved my system like staying up all night drinking coffee and red bull would. Now I’m distracted, in pain, buzzing on steroids that don’t work. I’m depressed. I just want to cry. And sleep. And disappear.

What am I going to do with my kids?